Inside the Actor's Studio: George W. Bush (via cut-up method)

Preface
The dialogue that follows did not actually take place, rather, it did, but not as it is presented here. President George W. Bush is one of the most controversial presidents this country has ever seen. He is the leader of the free world, and before his $400,000 a year presidential salary kicked in he was worth over $20 million. Though this is a small fortune by today’s standards, President Bush is arguably the most powerful man in the world.
Rather than attempt to interview the president myself--a difficult feat, even for Katie Couric--I chose the most famous, oft-spoofed, and capable interviewer of all: James Lipton.
What follows is a dialogue constructed from transcripts of Inside the Actor’s Studio and “Bushisms” compiled by the fine people at www.thetruthaboutgeorge.com. In some cases, the word “actor” has been changed to relate to politics, and words or symbols in brackets may have been added for continuity. Otherwise, these are all direct quotes from the President of the United States, and James Lipton.

. . .

James Lipton: In each generation, it falls to two or three actors to define their time; in succession: Brando, Nicholson, DeNiro, Pacino, Streep and Sean Penn…have left indelible imprints on their craft, and although the books are barely open on the emerging generation, there is one young actor who is virtually unrecognizable from one film to the next and unforgettable in every one of them. The actor’s studio is proud to welcome [President George W. Bush].

President Bush: Thank you all very much. Please be seated. (Applause). Thank you. Sonny, thanks for the introduction. Thanks for your leadership. Every time I’m invited to this rostrum I’m humbled by the privilege and mindful of the history we’ve seen together.

JL: Here’s a very political guy. Did any of that derive from your feelings as a child living in a political household?

PB: I’m a follower of American politics, [but] if people want to get to know me better, they’ve got to know my parents and the values my parents instilled in me, and the fact that I was raised in West Texas, in the middle of the desert, a long way from anywhere, hardly. There’s a certain set of values you learn in that experience.

JL: Was it easy? Was it difficult? Was it interesting?

PB: I think--tide turning--see, as I remember--I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of--it’s easy to see a tide turn--did I say those words?

JL: Talking about your mother, she had very political and feminist…

PB: We stand for things.

JL: So she’s a prominent feminist.

PB: You know, it’s hard work to try to love her as best as I can, […] so thank you for reminding me about the importance of being a good mom and a great volunteer as well.

JL: I also understand that there were some near fist fights over who, which of you was getting the true and authentic method.

PB: It’s a myth to think I don’t know what’s going on. It’s a myth to think that I’m not aware that there’s opinions that don’t agree with mine, because I’m fully aware of that. I can only speak to myself.

JL: Clearly, you were not dissuaded.

PB: As a matter of fact, I know relations between our governments is good.

JL: Let me ask you a question about the gladiatorial contests. They look dangerous…

PB: The United States of America is engaged in a war against an extremist group of folks […] Trying to stop suiciders--which we’re doing a pretty good job of on occasion--is difficult to do. And what the Iraqis are going to have to eventually do is convince those who are conducting suiciders who are not inspired by Al Qaeda, for example, to realize there’s a peaceful tomorrow.

JL: You have said that you always approach [politics] with a rock and roll mentality. Is that true?

PB: My views are one that speaks to freedom. My answer is bring them on.
JL: When you are in the Oval office and you are praying, about to give this speech, no in order to get to a place like that how do you protect yourself on a set, to carry through and reach that point?

PB: I always jest to people, the Oval Office is the kind of place for people standing outside--they're getting ready to come in and tell me what for, and they walk in and get overwhelmed by the atmosphere, and they say, “Man, you're looking pretty." They’ve seen me make decisions, they’ve seen me under trying times, they’ve seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, they’ve seen me hug. And now they know who I am, and I believe they’re comfortable with the fact that they know I’m not going to shift principles or shift positions based upon polls and focus groups.

JL: I’m sure that when people talk to you about that role, they refer to one act, the one activity in it…

PB: I cut the taxes on everybody. I didn’t cut them. The Congress cut them. I asked them to cut them. I’m the decider, and I decide what is best.

JL: Both are plagues.

PB: We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job. That’s what I’m telling you. I speak plainly sometimes, but you’ve got to be mindful of the consequences of the words.

JL: Mimicry isn’t really acting is it? But it’s something amazing…

PB: I’m also mindful that man should never try to put words in God’s mouth. I mean, we should never ascribe natural disasters or anything else to God. We are in no way, shape, or form should a human being, play God.

JL: We begin our classroom with the questionnaire invented by the great Bernard Pebo. What is your favorite word?

PB: Uninalienable.

JL: What is your least favorite word?

PB: Erection--election.

JL: When this goes on the air…what this gentleman gave us tonight is going to ruin your reputation! People will think you’re a pussycat. What turns you on?

PB: A good-old Texas girl, like me.

JL: What turns you off?

PB: If it were to rain a lot.

JL: What sound or noise do you love?

PB: If you listen carefully, if Saddam were president of the United States he would still be in power, and we’s be a lot better off.

JL: What sound or noise do you hate?

PB: Tribal sovereignty.

JL: A question I’ve been waiting nine and a half years to ask you. What is your favorite curse word?

PB: Brownie.

JL: Excellent! What profession, other than yours, would you like to attempt?

PB: Occasionally reading.

JL: What profession would you absolutely not like to participate in?

PB: Retiring.

JL: Finally, if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
PB: We all thought there was weapons there, [George]!

JL: Here are your students.

Student #1: Hi, my name is Melinda. I’m a first year actress. I just have to say--first of all, I’m so excited that you’re here, so, thanks for coming.

PB: Thank you.

Student #1: My question is about your process…

PB: I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what’s moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who probably read the news themselves.

Student #2: Hi, my name is Sarah Wilson.

PB: Hi!

Student #2: And my question is actually…um…You’ve been so open and honest with us tonight in everything you’ve been telling us. And my question is how do you remain so open and honest in your work and in your own life?

PB: Let me put it to you bluntly: in a changing world, we want more people to have control over your own life. Because the--all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculated, for example, is on the table; whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There’s a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those--changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be--or closer delivered to what has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It’s kind of muddled. Look, there’s a series of things that cause the--like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those--if that growth is affected, it will help on the red.

Student #3: Good evening Mr. President.

PB: Hi.

Student #3: My name is Michael Romani. I’m a first year actor and…um...I notice that you choose your work with such integrity. And I’m wondering if there was ever a point early in you career where there was a very difficult decision to make about what work to do based on: “God, I have to eat,” and what helped you keep with the integrity that you seem to have so innately?

PB: I think younger workers--first of all--younger workers have been promised benefits the government--promises that have been promised, benefits that we can’t keep. That’s just the way it is. It means your own money would grow better than that which the government can make it grow. And that’s important. If you’re a younger person, you ought to be asking members of Congress and the United States Senate and the president what you intend to do about it. If you see a train wreck coming, you ought to be saying, “What are you going to do about it, Mr. Congressman, or Madam Congressman?” I believe we are called to do the hard work to make our communities and quality of life a better place.